i am monster
by vivienneandfred
Summary: Someone knows about Remus Lupin. Someone knows what Mr. Moony is. How will Remus keep said someone quiet? Warnings: contains scenes that some readers may find deeply disturbing.
1. Stop Your Sobbing

DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.

STOP YOUR SOBBING:

Remus Lupin awoke in a cold sweat, panting slightly. He slid off his four poster bed and dry-heaved on the floor, doubled over on all fours. His hands trembled weakly under his weight. He collapsed, chest down, onto the stone floor and was still. Shallow, raspy breathing could be heard from where he lay face down on the dormitory floor. He silently prayed no one had heard him.

But just as he pulled his remaining strength together and was pulling himself back onto the bed, using the red curtains for support, a voice sounded out across the dark dormitory.

"Moons, that you?" came the hoarse, sleep ridden voice of Sirius Black. Remus paused where he was stooped over the bed, his knees bent painfully into the wooden surrounds of the bed frame. He tried to still his heavy breathing and willed Sirius to go back to sleep.

"Moony? Was it – was it another – you know?" Sirius asked hesitantly to the dark. Remus sighed heavily and dragged himself fully onto his bed. He looked across the dormitory to the direction of Sirius' voice. Although the room was pitch black Remus could make out the sitting figure of Sirius Black, perched on the edge of his bed, as if ready to attack anyone who dared hurt his friend.

"Don't worry about it, Pads, just a dream, nothing to worry about. Just go back to bed, okay?" Remus rasped.

From what Remus could see of him, Sirius didn't look convinced but consented to the offer of sleep once again.

"Okay, Moons. But are you sure, mate? It sounded like you fell off your bed?" Sirius would not be pacified easily, it seemed.

"Nah, just knocked my Herbology textbook off. I was doing some late-night revision last night. You do know we have that test tomorrow?" Remus could already hear Sirius' reply;

"Test? Ah well, who needs Herbology anyways?"

"Actually, Padfoot, Herbology can come in very handy –" Remus didn't get a chance to explain why as James Potter grunted loudly.

"Would you two finish with your little heart to heart about plants already? Some of us need our beauty sleep, y'know?" James groaned, only half-awake.

"Sorry, Prongs," came Remus' quiet mumble but it was overshadowed by Sirius' very audible declaration that no amount of beauty sleep could help in James' case. This was followed with a pillow thrown in the general direction of Sirius' bed and a mumbled "Oi!" from Peter Pettigrew.

"Sorry, 'Tail, just giving Padfoot some lessons on manners," James said with little evidence of remorse.

Sirius snorted, Peter grunted and Remus smiled. The dormitory fell into silence once again; the only sounds those of the slumbering boys' peaceful breathing.

* * *

Remus stared hungrily down at his mountain of bacon and sausages, reaching out for the red sauce. He was about to lace his breakfast with it when a letter landed on top of his bacon. He looked up in surprise; he certainly hadn't heard the owls come in.

This one, it seemed, had been a tad early, as thousands of owls came swooping down from the ceiling momentarily. Remus looked back down at his own letter. It couldn't be from his parents; they never wrote him on a weekend. But apart from them, he never received any letters. After all, he hadn't any friends before Hogwarts.

"Watcha got there, Moony?" Sirius asked through a mouthful of scrambled egg.

"A letter," Remus responded automatically.

"No kidding. Who is it from?" Sirius pushed, now finished with his eggs and carefully choosing between a chocolate croissant and a custard danish.

"Er, dunno. I never usually get letters on the weekend."

"Well go on, open it, then!" Peter encouraged from behind his mountain of buttered toast.

Remus fingered the letter nervously, twisting it around in his thin hands. There was no return address. He picked up his unused butter knife and slit the envelope open. He pulled out a pale piece of parchment with one line scratched neatly onto it.

He read it silently.

_Remus Lupin, I know your secret. I suggest you meet me in the Astronomy Tower at midnight tonight where we can discuss the matter of keeping it private._

There was no signature.

Remus had to grab the edge of the table to keep from fainting. He pressed his eyelids together hard and breathed in slowly. This can't be happening, he thought. It must be a joke. Yes, someone's sick idea of a joke at his expense.

"Moony? Wassamatter? You look like you've just seen your own funeral," James joked lightly. I have, Remus thought, but he merely shrugged at James and shoved the letter into his pocket. He daren't look around in case whoever had sent the letter was watching him.

"Is it your parents, Moony? Are they okay?" Sirius pressed. Remus remained silent.

"C'mon, Moony, you know you can tell us anything," James prompted. Remus stared at him blankly, before pushing away his full plate and standing up. He had to get out of here.

"I'll see you in Transfiguration," Remus told them, his voice breaking slightly, before exiting the Hall very quickly.

* * *

"Moony?"

"Moony?"

"Moony, please talk to me. Are the dreams getting worse? What was it this time?" Sirius was lounged out over the armchair in the common room, with Remus sitting reluctantly by his feet.

"Oh, you know – the usual; Dumbledore declares me as who I truly am to the school at large, and a riot picks up. I'm chased from the castle to the Forest, attempting to outrun an onslaught of both muggle and magical curses. Etcetera, violent crowd closes in on me in the depths of the dark trees and the faces of once friendly classmates and professors look down at me with disgust and fury. Yada-yada-yada.

"Finally, four figures emerge and before the lovely Cruciatus Curse is lifted I'm awake again." Remus had never actually outright told Sirius whom the last four figures were, yet he had a feeling Sirius was more astute then he led anyone to believe.

"Maybe you should go to Madame Pomfrey about this," Sirius suggested.

"No!" Remus shouted, startling a couple of first years, "I can handle my own problems. I don't need someone else fighting my battles for me."

"But Moony, you're not sleeping –" Sirius pressed on.

"I said no, Sirius, damn it! I am not weak!" Remus snarled.

"I never said that, mate," Sirius said, cowering slightly at Remus' sudden, extremely uncharacteristic rage.

"Yeah, you didn't need to," Remus stated angrily, getting up and storming up to the dormitories. Sirius was left to question the sanity of his normally placid friend alone.

* * *

Remus made his way slowly up to the Astronomy Tower at four minutes to midnight, beneath James' invisibility cloak. He passed Peeves on the way, who was busy filling in all the keyholes of the broom cupboards by Filch's office with chewing gum. The temptation was great, but Remus quelled his marauder side, knowing if he was caught it would be disastrous.

He slipped off the cloak at the bottom of the Tower and proceeded to climb the steps quietly. Before he had reached the top, however, a cold, sweaty hand clasped tightly around his neck and he was shoved forcefully into the wall. He tried to turn his head to see who it was but the grip tightened, causing him to choke. After a few spluttering seconds the grip loosened just enough to allow Remus to breathe. He tried desperately to unwrap the hand from around his throat but to no avail. The hand dragged him up the rest of the stairs by his neck. His foot caught on the last step and he stumbled onto the Astronomy Tower balcony. The hand unwrapped itself from his throat and shoved him hard onto the stone floor. He knocked his head on the stone and cursed loudly.

"Now, now, Mr Lupin, no need for such language or I shall have to wash out your mouth," came the sneering drawl of one Lucius Malfoy. Remus didn't need to look at him to know it, that voice was recognisable to any Hogwarts student worth his galleon. He refused to allow his body to turn around; he didn't want to see Lucius' nasty glare which would surely kill his one last hope that this was all some rather elaborate hoax.

"Look at me when I am talking to you!" Lucius snarled, stamping on the back of Remus' head so his face smashed into the stone. A cruel crack announced the break of his nose. Remus twisted around on the floor until he was facing Lucius, blood trickling down over his lips.

"That's better, now I can see the face of the foul, disgusting, filthy, contemptuous little half-breed who dares contaminate Hogwarts with it's presence."

Remus winced as his last, dulled hopes slipped violently from his grasp.

"Aw, did I hurt the poor animal's feelings? There, there, little werewolf. There, there," Lucius patted him on the head in a patronising manner. He crouched down over Remus, his face mere inches away, and spat in Remus' face. Remus made to wipe his face but Lucius stepped on his right hand, grabbing hold of his left. Lucius' other hand slid from the top of Remus' head, caressing his cheek and the skin behind his ear. Remus pulled away from the touch and the hand gripped the back of his neck tightly, jerking his head forward again.

"Play nice now, werewolf, or I might have to hurt you again."

Remus felt Lucius' hot breath on his lips and shuddered, causing the grip on his neck to tighten. Suddenly, the hand grabbed at his hair and pulled his head back violently. Lucius leaned over him and, with lips nearly touching his own, whispered menacingly at Remus.

"Now, what are we going to do about this problem of yours then, werewolf? How are you going to repay me for keeping such a juicy piece of information to myself? Hmm?" Remus stared up at him with a mixture of fear and loathing.

"ANSWER ME!" Lucius jerked his head back further, so it was almost touching the stone floor. Remus let out a gurgle of pain.

"Do you want me to tell all the parents that their precious Hogwarts students have been mingling with a dangerous Dark creature?" Remus tried to shake his head but Lucius' grip was too tight. He let out another gurgle in protest.

"What was that?" Lucius droned.

"NO! Please, Lucius, no! Don't tell – agh!" Lucius smashed Remus' head into the stone floor again in anger.

"How dare you speak my name, filthy half-breed? You only call me Master, insolent werewolf!" Lucius spat in his face again.

"Yes, Master!" Remus wheezed. Tears were pricking his eyes but he willed them not to fall. He would not cry in front of Lucius Malfoy.

"Good, good. Now, be a nice little Dark creature and do as you are told. I want you to remember tonight. Remember it always."

Remus was too frightened to do anything but nod. Lucius let go of his hair, and his hand, but leant on it with his knee, instead, so that he was straddling Remus. Remus flinched at the close contact, which made Lucius sneer.

"Oh, don't tell me the Dark creature is a virgin? Oh, that is priceless, werewolf!" Lucius lowered his head closer to Remus, their lips nearly touching again. Remus closed his eyes tightly as Lucius' mouth hovered above them, his hot breath stinging. Then Lucius licked his eyelid, causing Remus to flinch again. Remus heard Lucius laugh hollowly. Lucius licked his eyelid again, and then traced his tongue down his cheekbone and along his jaw. The tongue travelled back up to his eyelid and then moved over to his ear. Remus jerked his head as Lucius bit down sharply on his earlobe.

"There, there, werewolf," Lucius breathed quietly, sounding more distant than he previously had. He licked inside Remus' ear then moved so that his lips once again hovered over his mouth. Then his hands started roaming.

They moved over every inch of Remus' upper body, caressing the skin under his shirt roughly. Lucius groaned into Remus lips, leaving bare millimetres of air between them. Remus felt ill, so ill he could wretch right there. What the hell was going on? Why was Lucius touching him like that? Distantly, Remus wondered if he was still with Sirius' cousin. Lucius moved his mouth lower and bit the side of Remus' neck, causing another involuntary jerk from Remus, who began struggling under the weight of the older man. Lucius pressed his hips down onto Remus', grinding and groaning. Remus tried to yell, but all that came out was another pained gurgle. Lucius pushed Remus' head back onto the cold stone, pressing down with his whole weight onto his forehead. Remus felt the stone grinding against his skull and winced. Then Lucius pressed his lips against Remus', pushing so hard that Remus felt his lip split. Lucius licked at the blood, then pressed his tongue between Remus' lips and entered his warm cavity. Remus concentrated all his energy on not crying, now realising that struggling was getting him nowhere.

Lucius groaned into the rough kiss, making Remus' lips tingle uncomfortably. Lucius' hands were still rubbing over every part of Remus' torso, pinching his skin painfully now and then.

Lucius mumbled something incoherent into Remus' lips, then pulled away suddenly. Remus wouldn't meet Lucius' eyes, so Lucius grabbed his hair and pulled him until their eyes met. Remus saw pure lust in those black pools of ink.

He knew what was coming, now, and began to fight back. Lucius was far stronger, however, and kneed him in the chest before placing a hand heavily over Remus' throat, crushing his windpipe. Lucius pressed his lips against Remus' once again, more forceful than before, and pushed his tongue deeper, causing Remus to gag. Remus felt Lucius grin against his lips. Then he was moving away again, and suddenly his hands were moving lower.

"No!" Remus tried to protest, tried to free his hands from their clutches under Lucius' knees, but was unable to. Lucius moved faster and then his warm hand slid beneath Remus' trousers and briefs and clasped around him. The hand pulled on him roughly, and then his long fingers explored him, playing with his foreskin and pulling down hard.

It was so painful, and it was torturous. As much as Remus was in pain he could still feel himself responding to the stimulation.

He bit into his lip, relishing on the taste of his own blood and tried to pretend he wasn't there at all. That he didn't even exist. Then Lucius' hands were disappearing back up his body, up his scarred chest. They came to a halt on his shoulder, where sat the deepest scar, the one that still haunted Remus. One hand fingered the scar, whilst the other moved lower and caressed the smaller one over his hip. Lucius pushed his own hips against Remus again, grinding more furiously still. He wrapped a hand around Remus' throat and pulled him up onto his knees. Finally, Lucius stood and dragged Remus up to a standing position, using his throat as a handle. He pushed him against the balcony wall; face first, so his stomach was pressed painfully into the stone wall. One hand immediately shot out to grip the wall, to steady him. He looked at the white hand, fingers clasped tightly against the pointed stone.

Lucius pushed him with his other hand so he was bent over the wall, the angular stone rubbing roughly against his thin chest. Lucius' hand, pressing his head down, began to play with Remus' tawny hair, taunting him. Then Remus felt Lucius' full weight press against him, effectively trapping him against the wall. Lucius, hands now free, pulled at Remus' Hogwarts tie, the proud red and gold blurring in his vision.

Lucius pulled until he heard Remus choking, then undid it roughly and threw it somewhere to their right. Then he ripped Remus' shirt open, exposing his bare chest and tugged it off along with his school robes. The stone wall cut into Remus' chest, adding to his collection of scars. Lucius grunted and pushed his hips further into Remus' backside. This caused Remus' lower half to collide with the stone wall and he yelped in pain. Lucius, in response to Remus' cry, pushed against him again, harder. Remus bit down on his swollen lip, grunting gutturally.

And then, tripling Remus' dismay, Lucius began undoing Remus' trousers. He felt his belt being pulled off his hips and then his trousers and briefs were pulled unceremoniously off his backside, the cotton catching on a jagged stone to rest some halfway down his thighs. It didn't matter, though, because he was still fully exposed for Lucius. And Lucius was taking full advantage of him, his fingers probing painfully and unmercifully. Lucius moved down to rest on his heels, a hand shoving hard against Remus' curved back.

Remus felt his warm breath and clenched instinctively. Lucius ignored his small whimpers and pressed his teeth onto Remus' sensitive skin, nipping slightly. Remus gasped as he felt a tongue slide over his skin and then inside him. It probed deeper than Remus would have believed possible.

Tears were clumping his eyelashes together as he squeezed his eyelids shut tight, still whimpering. Lucius finished his probing and stood against him again, pushing him further into the wall.

Remus felt fumbling behind him and before he could realise what it was, Lucius was pressing himself, bare skinned against Remus. He felt Lucius kick something and then a leg wrapped around his own in a tight, possessive grasp.

Remus could feel Lucius pressing into his back side painfully, could feel him rubbing himself against Remus.

Lucius grabbed his neck again, tighter than ever before, and jerked his head upwards so Remus was staring at the waxing moon. He tried to look away but Lucius was holding his head painfully tight.

"Look at it. I want you to look at it and remember what you are. Scum. Filth. Dangerous. A Dark creature. A killer! Look at it, werewolf! Look at what you are! You are not worthy of him, werewolf!" Remus didn't understand who the 'him' was but couldn't have contemplated it if he tried. Lucius pushed himself against Remus again, making him howl in pain. Lucius let out another low, hollow laugh and then a blinding pain shot through Remus as Lucius entered him, fully and without hesitation. He pulled out and then thrust back in again. Remus closed out the sight of the moon, eyelids tightly shut again but tears were now streaming down his face and he was grunting painfully at every deep thrust. Lucius was groaning low and lustfully, his hand still holding Remus' head to face the moon. Remus screamed out in pain and anger as Lucius quickened his pace and deepened his thrusts. He tried to ignore it but Lucius' grunts were growing louder and every thrust was more painful than the last. Finally, years later, Lucius' knees began weakening and his hips bucked violently against Remus. Lucius let out a long, audible groan as he filled Remus.

"Sirius," Lucius moaned. Even as Lucius slipped out of him, Remus stiffened at the name.

He collapsed against the wall as he felt Lucius' weight lift off him. It was over. It was done. He sank down onto the stone, wrapping his arms around his knees and resting his head against the stone wall, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

"Not anymore, werewolf," Remus looked up at Lucius as he spoke, meeting an oddly blank stare, "you're not a fucking virgin anymore, you dirty werewolf! You are scum, even more so than before! You fucking queer! You dirty little werewolf."

Lucius spat at him again, then raised his foot and slammed it into Remus' face.

* * *

Remus woke up sprawled over the Astronomy Tower balcony. His face and his backside pounded painfully. And then he remembered. He remembered everything.

He pulled himself up, using the wall for support, and pulled up his trousers, wincing as they brushed again his bruised skin. He grabbed his shirt, pulled it over his shoulders and clasped it to his chest with shaking hands. He felt around for his tie and school robes, and his belt. Then he ran out of the balcony and down the steps, forgetting about James' cloak and tripping over the slippery cloth, falling to the floor with a loud thud. He reached behind him, grabbed up the invisibility cloak and threw it over himself.

Remus ran all the way to Gryffindor Tower without stopping. He screamed the password at the slumbering Fat Lady, who huffed in disapproval, until Remus extracted himself from the invisibility cloak and she caught sight of his face, tears running freely again. She swung forwards and he ignored her concerned calls, crawling awkwardly through the portrait hole and stumbling into the empty common room. He let out a desperate sob and then stumbled weakly to the boys' dormitories.

* * *

James woke up to the sound of the door opening. He saw, out of narrowed eyes, Remus walking over towards his trunk, though he couldn't make out his face. The distinct smell of sex wafted over to him as Remus replaced something in James' trunk; the invisibility cloak. James smiled to himself as Remus left the dorm again, obviously going to take a shower.

James lay in his bed, waiting for Remus to come back so he could pounce on him and ask about the lucky girl. He grinned at the thought of his friend finally getting with a girl. The grin vanished, though, when Remus stumbled into the dorm, wrapped in a towel and sobbing uncontrollably. James had wondered how it had taken Remus a whole hour just to shower. He couldn't see his face, or the red rawness of his skin, but James could definitely hear the sad whimpering as Remus pulled on his pyjama bottoms and climbed into his bed. He pulled the curtains around him but James could still hear the muffled sobbing, even half an hour later.

James knew better than to confront Remus about it then, and decided to leave it until morning. He'd never known his friend to cry before, except the time when he thought he'd lost them all as friends because they'd found out what he was. James would never forget seeing the usually calm and together boy lose it so quickly, and he had told himself then that he would never let it happen again. And so, James was determined to find out why he had failed.


	2. Mr Pleasant

DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.

* * *

MR. PLEASANT:

Sick. Remus Lupin felt sick. Revolted, if you wanted to be accurate, but who was looking for accuracy at this time of the morning? It was taking all of his efforts to restrain his stomach from emptying its contents right there in the dormitory, on his bed. He was, after all, feigning sleep so no one would suspect, or expect, anything of him.

He felt weak, as if his muscles could barely manage the effort of his light breathing, which itself was quite painful due to his severely bruised ribs. There was pain elsewhere but he was not thinking about it. He was avoiding any thought on the subject of that pain.

He felt tears clumping his dark eyelashes but his eyelids remained still. Never had he felt so low in his life. The actual feeling was complete and despairing emptiness. He didn't know what to do and wouldn't allow his mind to wander, knowing where it would inevitably land.

A groan sounded from somewhere in Peter's direction and was followed by a small rustling of bed sheets as Peter turned over in his sleep. Remus shut his eyelids tighter against the violent red glow that told him it was morning. He didn't want to get up, ever again. He didn't want to exist any longer. He wanted to disappear into the bedcovers and never be found. For the first time in his difficult life, Remus truly felt that he wanted to give up.

He didn't want this anymore: this life. Why should he have to suffer so much when his friends could go through life completely unharmed and unfazed by the events of their own lives? But that wasn't true, either. Okay, so there was James who, even when doing something completely irresponsible, could still possess a charming and carefree air that would get him out of any strife. He had loving parents, came from a good home and was incredibly well-liked by the majority of the Hogwarts population. He was always happy.

Peter was certainly well-loved by his family, perhaps a little too much, but was certainly not ruined by it. He had a fierce loyalty about him that could certainly do him no wrong. And he had friends who cared about him. He certainly seemed to be very happy.

But then there was Sirius; shunned by his terrible family, and brought up in a world he had no relation with. He had suffered terrible verbal and physical abuse, and from an early age, and had had to make the choice between his own values and his family's support. But even Sirius seemed destined for happiness and fortune. He was, like James, well-loved by Hogwarts and held talent in abundance. He and James had the strongest friendship that Remus could ever imagine. Nothing could break it.

So this left Remus the half-breed. Remus the pathetic, Remus the weakling, Remus the monster. And what did he have to offer to the world? Absolutely nothing. Oh, unless you count a vicious, life-threatening monster once a month? He could certainly provide that.

* * *

"Sirius, mate, can I talk to you? You know, before Pete and Rem wake up?" James whispered over to Sirius. The two had risen earlier than was their norm in lieu of the tense fog which had burdened all four of them, albeit discreetly, yesterday. Peter and Remus remained apparently blissfully unaware of this most unnatural of occurances. Surely, had either of them been awake, a heart attack would have been imminent over the sight – James and Sirius, up and dressed, before breakfast was even laying on the tables of the Great Hall.

"What's up, mate?" Sirius raised his eyebrows questioningly at the use of his real name.

"It's about Remus," James began as they walked down the steps away from the dormitories.

"What about him?"

"Didn't you notice him acting really strange yesterday, like, I dunno, like he was trying to hide something?" James watched Sirius' reaction carefully.

"Yeah, I guess. Hey, maybe it's just the full moon tomorrow."

"Could be, but last night I woke up really early and in strolled Moony, and he had definitely been with a girl –"

"Rem, with a girl?" Sirius interrupted, incredulous.

"Yeah, but that's not the weirdest part. See, he took a very long shower and when he came back he was, well, he was crying..." James petered off, unsure what else to say. He looked at Sirius hesitantly, awaiting his response.

"Crying? But Moony never cries," Sirius said.

"I know, but Moony also doesn't get with girls, especially not without telling us."

"Maybe he's been dating her in secret. Maybe he doesn't want us to know that he's dating someone, because he thinks we wouldn't approve. Which could mean only one thing, really. Moony is dating a Slytherin," Sirius concluded, his words own laced with a hint of the betrayal usually bestowed on such an act. Clearly, Sirius was concerned.

"So why was he crying, then?"

"Ah, because – because she broke up with him? Must have had his heart broken, the poor guy," Sirius said with uncharacteristic sympathy.

"I don't know, mate. Why would Moony date a Slytherin? That's just wrong!"

"Hey, not all Slytherins are bad, look at my Uncle Alphie!" Sirius flinched half a second after this declaration, surprised to hear himself defending the name of Salazar Slytherin.

"Did you just defend a Slytherin?" James looked at him in horror. Sirius straightened in his spine in an act of haughty defence.

"I'm just saying, not all of them are that bad. My Uncle Alphie was in Slytherin, and so is Andy."

James stared at him, thinking hard.

"Well I suppose it would explain why he hasn't told us. Should we leave it to him to come to us?"

"I doubt he will, but if they're broken up now, there's no use in bringing it up and upsetting him again, is there?" Sirius spoke with diplomacy.

"What's gotten into you? I'm normally the one who makes sense, you're the foolhardy one!" James laughed. Sirius grinned back.

"I don't know, maybe the idea of our placid pal in emotional turmoil has softened me up a bit."

* * *

Remus lifted himself slowly up to rest on his elbows, contemplating the hideous thought of getting up. He didn't see the point anymore, not after – just not anymore. His body ached for sleep but he refused to give in to the temptation. There was little temptation there, anyway. He was far too scared of what he might find if he really closed his eyes.

He had remained 'asleep' as he heard each of his friends making their slow recovery from the world of dreams and only after all three of them had left the dormitory had he even opened his eyes.

Now that he was alone, the way he liked it, he could truly contemplate what he was going to do. He didn't want to be here anymore, at Hogwarts. He had been kidding himself for four years to think he had deserved to come here. He realised now that that was a lie. Another lie in the web his family had cocooned him in his whole life. He hated lying but he really hated being lied to. That was more than he could bear.

Knowing he really couldn't prolong it any further, and against his better judgement, Remus did get up. He took an ice cold shower which he relished in the pain it caused to his sore muscles. The shower took a very long time, what with him needing to scrub every part of him at least five times so he could get the stench of him off his skin. But even though his skin was red and enflamed, he could still smell him, and feel him. He closed his mind to it, knowing he shouldn't be thinking about it.

And then he got dressed, looking severely dishevelled through his lack of effort, and headed out of the dormitory.

Remus was far too late for breakfast, which he would have had no intention of attending anyway and so he took himself slowly down to the Common Room. He sat in one of the plush armchairs to await his friends' imminent return and he couldn't have looked less enthusiastic about being there if he tried; perched at the edge with a stiff posture and an awkward air.

It was only after what seemed like years that his three friends rejoined him in the suffocating heat of the Common Room. If he thought, however, that the sight of his best friends would cheer him up, he was sorely mistaken. James and Sirius were looking at him with the most peculiar expressions on their all too handsome faces. It was – no, was it sympathy? Remus couldn't take that. He couldn't take sympathy from them.

They had no idea what was going on, did they? How could they?

Looking incredibly flushed and overwhelmed, Remus leapt up from his place on the sofa and before James, Sirius or Peter could utter a greeting to him he was gone, disappearing out of the portrait hole.

* * *

James was a little shocked. Remus had just up and left without even saying hello and James knew he had seen them. Maybe he was taking this break up harder than they'd initially thought. He looked warily at Sirius, who seemed to have the same idea, and was setting down the mountain of food they had brought back for Remus on a nearby table.

"So, to Herbology then, lads?" Sirius announced with an unnatural awkwardness. Peter looked at him curiously, as if calculating the possibility that Sirius had not noticed Remus' abrupt exit, or even noticed him at all. But his expression quickly took on its usual gormless appearance as he followed them out of the Common Room, easily accepting that nothing was wrong by a flashy grin from James.

* * *

Sirius fingered the letter in his hands, itching to open it. He knew he couldn't, though, as that would be betraying one of his best friend's confidences. But he was terribly curious to know what all these letters to Remus were about, especially after Remus' odd reaction to yesterdays' one. He had initially wondered if the first letter had been from the Ministry, possibly about his 'furry little problem' but he was also certain that the two letters were linked, and since the second was blank except for Remus' name in scrawling handwriting – thus missing the Ministry of Magic emblem – that guess was out.

He was worried about Remus. He knew his nightmares had been growing more frequent and now this thing with some Slytherin girl, but missing lessons? Remus hadn't turned up to Herbology, or double Charms. That simply wasn't like him. Not at all. Now, sitting at lunch next to James, with Peter across from him, Sirius couldn't help but stare blankly at the empty space usually occupied by the conspicuous Remus Lupin.

He had barely touched his pork sausage sandwich, and gingerly took it up into his hands to take a bite. It tasted awful. Not the way it normally tasted. It tasted like cardboard, for some reason. And Sirius knew what cardboard tasted like, after all, his mother had fed him only that for an entire week once when he was nine. He sighed and placed the half eaten sandwich back on its rightful plate. He gave Remus' absence a final check before looking at his best friend.

James was also worried, and had only had two of his usual four helpings of ham and mustard sandwich. If anything, this made Sirius more worried, instead of the reassurance he had hoped he would acquire from his friend. James glanced at him briefly before looking away, as if uncomfortable. Sirius sighed again, feeling very hopeless, and now a little uncomfortable himself.

Sirius turned his attention to the plump boy across from him. Poor, ignorant Peter was only concerned with how much gravy he could fit onto his plate, not the whereabouts of his usually punctual friend. Sirius knew Peter was aware that something was amiss with Remus, but through simple reassurance from James and himself, Peter remained unaware of how serious it was getting.

Sirius knew it was serious because the good student that Remus was didn't even like to miss lessons when he was physically incapacitated to do so after a full moon. And perhaps more worrying, Remus had an enormous appetite – due probably to the wolf – yet today he had already missed two meals. That never happened either. Something was definitely up.

Peter let out a belch, having just consumed his entire goblet of pumpkin juice in ten seconds, causing both Sirius and James to crack up with laughter. The bliss it caused alleviated their concerns for a small time, and for not the first time, Peter was useful at something: breaking tension.

* * *

Remus threw himself out of the portrait hole with vehemence. He was thoroughly confused, and thoroughly annoyed. Which just added to his confusion. In truth, he had no idea what to feel and in actual fact, he didn't really feel anything; just a cold numbness that was very slowly making its way through his entire body.

He could barely breathe as he stormed through corridor after corridor, evidently making his way down and out. He needed air. He really, really needed air. Actually there didn't seem to be anything he needed quite so badly in his life.

Just before he reached the enormous doors to the grounds he completely lost control of his breathing. He had been taking huge gasps of air in a hope to clear his irritated head but had ended up virtually hyperventilating. He dashed into the broom closet by the hourglasses, clutching desperately at his chest. He couldn't breathe now; he couldn't get air into his lungs.

Tears were thrust out of the corners of his eyes at the struggle just to take in air. He could feel them racing each other down his cheeks, and running into his hairline, down his ears and pooling together at his jaw line and chin, leaving hot tracks behind them. Fear was constricting his chest like a tight band, clamping his lungs against his dull heart.

His throat had constricted to the width of a pin, meaning the thick gasps of breath he was trying to take were ineffective. This easily sent him into dizzy spells. His eyes glazed over. They weren't being used, not consciously, at least. Remus wasn't seeing. He was, however, feeling. He was feeling what he was so desperately trying to forget. And it just wouldn't go away.

He could feel the hands all over his chest; tracing his scars. He could feel the bony fingers wrapped too tightly around his throat. He could feel the stone wall ripping into his bare skin. He could feel gurgles of refuse easing out of his tight mouth. He could hear the grunts. And he watched. He watched the waxing moon before it blacked out. He let out an agonising scream and felt his head collide with the stone wall of the closet.

In his angst he had forgotten where he was. It had felt so real, but now he was back with reality, his breathing still tight but the feelings gone. He hoped they stayed away.

He propped himself up using his back against the wall. Then his knees gave way and he slid to the sodden floor amongst the damp broom heads. He rasped out a few shaky breaths and felt his head spin dangerously again. No. He wouldn't let it happen again. He wouldn't allow himself to be overcome. He had been used, but that was over.

He let out a gurgle of resentment and self-pity. He felt so useless. So disgusting. Tainted. Used. He kicked out at the door, which groaned in response. Remus nearly apologised to it in his insanity but thought twice.

Eventually his breathing calmed and his pulse returned to its norm. His hands moved from their positions on the floor by his sides to rest on his thighs. He brought his knees close to his chest then pushd them back down, his hands clenching his thin thighs tightly. He let out another gurgle of frustration. His hands snaked their way up to his head, pulling at his hair, causing welcome pain. He pulled harder, and harder still so that his skin felt almost as if it were burning. He yanked out two generous clumps of dark, tawny hair and literally sighed at the relief it brought him. And suddenly he had purpose.

* * *

At around eleven o'clock that night, Remus climbed awkwardly into the Gryffindor common room, looking just as dishevelled as when he had stormed out of it that morning. If anything, he looked worse. His eyes were sunken in and his skin was pallid. He hands were fisted tightly, but were held slightly behind him, as if he were trying to hide them. Sirius watched him walk slowly towards himself and James. He watched him sit down on the sofa opposite silently. He watched him fiddle nervously with the skin of his knuckles. And Sirius realised then that his knuckles were red raw, and bleeding slightly. Upon noticing Sirius' attention to his hands, Remus pulled them away into his pockets, not properly looking at him.

"Hi, mate," Sirius said.

"Hi," Remus replied in a small voice, still not looking at him.

Sirius knew now was not the time to ask why Remus had been fighting, he was quite frankly just happy to see him at all. James and he had stayed up to wait for Remus, knowing he would have to come in eventually. Something that seemed more than the Slytherin girl was up with Remus. For now, however, they would be content with having him back.

"You missed a shocker of a Charms lesson, Moons," James smiled at him, but Remus didn't look at him, or bother to respond. He shifted his fisted hands in his pockets instead.

"Ah – you got a letter as well, mate," Sirius told him, holding out the crushed envelope he had been keeping safe since breakfast, "I didn't read it."

Remus finally looked up, an oddly fearful expression on his thin face. Their eyes met briefly before Remus' dropped to Sirius' chin. Remus took the letter quickly, and made an awkward show of opening it without letting them see his hands again.

Apparently startled, Remus dropped the letter, then immediately threw himself onto the floor to pick it up again. He rose to his feet at a similar pace, dusting himself off unnecessarily and began to walk-run away from them. Sirius rose quickly, too, and grabbed Remus' arm. Remus halted and turned around, angry. He glared at Sirius, who only tightened his firm grip.

"What's going on, Moons?" Sirius asked tentatively. Remus continued to glare back, but Sirius saw past it. He could also see Remus' sad eyes, stubborn tears forming. Remus looked away at Sirius' intense stare.

"'m fine," Remus tugged his arm away from Sirius and half ran to the dormitory.

Under the dim light of the sole candle in the bathroom, Remus read the four words before blowing out the candle and wrapping his fingers around his throat.

_Enjoy last night, faggot?_


	3. Wonderboy

DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.

* * *

WONDERBOY:

Faggot. The word was so true. He was a dirty queer. Well, he must be. After all, he hadn't stopped him. He had still become hard from his touch. Remus must have wanted it. And he must have known that. That was why he chose him, wasn't it?

So Lucius knew what he was before even he did?

Lucius knew what Remus was.

How? How did he find out? Did that mean other people knew? Was he about to be expelled because everyone had found out? Were his nightmares turning into inevitable truths?

Remus slowed his breathing, quieting himself from the ears of his other roommates, his friends.

Friend.

That word was foreign to him now. Were they his friends? They didn't help him, stop it from happening. Friends helped each other out of messes, didn't they? Maybe it was him. Maybe he wasn't being a friend to them. He was being selfish, expecting them to come along and sort everything out for him. They were already risking Azkaban or disfigurement for him. Was that not enough for this selfish, unworthy werewolf?

Remus knew he wouldn't sleep. Actually, it was more he knew he couldn't sleep. He wouldn't allow himself to succumb to a state of semi-consciousness. He needed to be in control. If not, he knew where his mind would end up.

And so he continued questioning every inch of his worthless life, but not concluding anything.

How had he allowed this to happen? To that question he knew the answer; Remus Lupin is weak.

* * *

It was no surprise to him that he was still awake when the sun came up, and it was certainly no surprise that he felt like death. All night he had wondered about what he had done to deserve this sham of a life. What he had done to deserve that from him. He must have been asking for it, allowing his friends to become animagi for him, prancing around the school like he deserved his place in it. It was his entire fault. He knew that, just like it was his fault that all his muscles ached in preparation for tonight. That his head swam dangerously as he sat up in his lumpy bed. And his shoulders were tense and hunched.

Remus opened the red curtains and peered out into the silent dormitory. He could hear James muttering something incoherent in his sleep, but apart from that there wasn't much evidence for other life in the room. Remus knew he needed to get up, although his body protested enormously, otherwise the others would be up soon. He couldn't take their questioning stares. They were already suspicious. He had to sort himself out, he needed time before he faced them to get his act together and pull his face back into its usual state of emptiness, void of all emotion. But this was so much harder now. He didn't have the energy for it.

He certainly hadn't eaten in days, and strangely his stomach still felt full, as if it needed nothing to replenish it. It was the only part of him that felt full, everything else was empty. He wasn't worthy of feeling.

He rubbed his face vigorously with his hands and swung a foot out of his bed.

As quietly as was possible, Remus slipped off the bed and moved passed James' bed towards the bathroom. James grunted as he turned the knob of the bathroom door, and Remus froze, tense. James shuffled in his bed and a loud snore assured that he was still asleep. Remus let out the breath he'd been holding and moved silently into the bathroom.

In the shower, with the water running as hot as he could stand it, Remus felt his muscles relax comfortably. This was not the intention. So Remus turned the hot water off and left the cold water to run painfully over his shoulders and back. He was so exhausted that the icy water didn't even lighten his eyelids. After scrubbing himself all over twice, a ritual he had upheld since he was six, and then once more for reassurance, Remus stepped out of the shower and grabbed his towel immediately. He wanted to cover his scarred and maimed body from his own sight quickly.

Since he had been bitten, Remus always tried to scrub off the unsightly scars from his flesh, but it only resulted in his skin flaring up in an angry red and his scars becoming more pronounced. This never stopped him from doing it again, though. He saw it almost as a punishment for having incurred the scars in the first place. No one knew how much he hated his body, but it was his enemy. It was the thing that made him different from everybody else. And now it was being used as a faggot's toy, quite appropriate, really.

He dressed in the privacy of his curtains, as he always did, and made his way out of the dormitory having disturbed none of his friends' peaceful slumbers. He didn't even hesitate to stay in the common room; he wasn't trying to be found, he wanted to be alone.

By the edge of the Forest, Remus knelt down on his haunches, using his fingertips to balance himself. He looked into the dim woods and grunted. That was where he ought to be, where he belonged. Like the Dark beast everyone knew he really was. He thought of Lily, then. Lily knew, just like the Marauders. She knew what he was and she hadn't abandoned him.

But what did Lily know. Lily was one girl, a muggle-born. She hadn't grown up knowing how dangerous werewolves were. She had grown up believing they didn't exist. She'd grown up believing in fairytales, lucky thing.

Thinking about Lily made him want to tell her what had happened. If there were anyone he trusted not to judge him, it was Lily Evans.

Yes, there was Sirius and James, but he couldn't tell them. In his state of self-hatred, he believed that they would think he was gay. That he had asked for it. Hadn't he?

No matter what they would think, or Lily, he knew he wouldn't tell anyone. He just couldn't. Because then he really would have to face it. And that certainly didn't sound very appealing.

Remus fell forwards onto his knees and then began to crawl along the damp Forest floor. He stopped not too far in, and lay down on his stomach. He closed his eyes and breathed in the heavy scent of wet grass and leaves. It smelt so good. He wished he could just lie like this forever, with the cool dampness of the Forest bed gently soothing his sore chest and stomach. He let his head drop gently to rest on the dirt. He could sleep here, just for a little bit. There was still ages before first lesson.

Remus couldn't even remember what first lesson was. Maybe he should go to the common room and meet James and Sirius, and Peter, there. Or maybe he should just lie here, in the cool morning dew, with his eyes closed and his breathing relaxed. And his back exposed.

Remus jerked his head up suddenly, causing a muscle to snap in his neck. He pulled himself quickly off the dirty ground and swung around sharply. Nothing was there, of course, but still Remus was breathing hard. How could he be so stupid? If he kept this up then he definitely would be asking for trouble. He needed to stay awake, and he needed to stay aware.

He cursed at himself loudly then marched himself out of the Forest and back along the grounds, fiddling with his bruised knuckles. The dried blood had been washed away from the shower, but there was still evidence of his attack on the fourth floor East wall.

He needed to compose himself. He took a large breath and let it out slowly as he allowed every muscle in his face to relax into a look of calm serenity. A false look, but one his friends would surely be fooled enough to believe.

He kicked at each step as he ascended the stairs leading to the seventh floor, but when he reached the portrait he was able to politely state the password for the Fat Lady. She looked questioningly at him, clearly still wondering about the other night, but he ignored her again.

As he had hoped, James, Sirius and Peter were sat in the common room, looking expectantly at him. They had been waiting for him. He felt his stomach muscles clench painfully but walked over to them confidently.

"Morning all," he smiled at the three of them, who stared back at him, stunned.

"Ah, morning Moony," Sirius smiled hesitantly.

"Where were you at breakfast?" James quizzed him.

"Just took a walk, needed to clear my head," Remus replied nonchalantly.

"Right, well, we have Transfiguration first, you coming Moony?" Sirius asked.

"Of course, why wouldn't I?" Remus questioned with a good-natured half-smile.

"Well, you were missing in action yesterday," Sirius half mumbled, a little unsure of himself against Remus' new, cheerful façade.

"Yes, I felt ill, though it was probably just about tonight. I was in the Hospital Wing all day," Remus supplied. Then he motioned towards the portrait hole and grinned as he prompted, "Coming?"

His plan was working so far.

James and Sirius exchanged a look behind the retreating Remus: the Hospital Wing was the first place they had checked yesterday, and Remus certainly hadn't been there. James sighed with resignation and followed Peter and Remus out of the portrait hole, Sirius close behind him.

* * *

"You know Moony, he never likes to make a fuss. He hates to let us see him upset. Maybe he has just got himself over it," James suggested half-heartedly.

"Over what?" Sirius said.

"The break up, obviously," James gave him a look.

"James, I really don't think that's it." Now it was James' turn to be surprised by the use of his real name. He sighed.

"I know, Pads, I know."

James and Sirius were sat in their Friday afternoon Divination lesson, while Remus had Ancient Runes and Peter had a free lesson. They were whispering to each other whilst trying to avoid the Eye of their Divination professor, who was wandering around aimlessly, occasionally muttering a half-arsed attempt at a prediction.

Their attention was not on the state of their tarot cards, which were sitting still inside their pack, unused, and instead the two were musing on Remus' sudden upbeat turn around.

"He's still hiding something," Sirius said, fiddling with the card for The Hanged Man.

"Yes, something he clearly doesn't want us to know," James agreed.

"And clearly something that is upsetting him," Sirius added. James nodded, feeling lost as to how to help his friend. "Maybe we should talk to him."

James looked at Sirius, studying his face. Then he nodded again.

"I think, Mr. Padfoot, you may be right."

"But how are we going to get him to talk to us?" Sirius questioned rhetorically. James shrugged, and then ran a frustrated hand through his messy black locks. Sirius watched him for a while, not sure what to add and trying to think of something to say to Remus. James was now nodding his head gently and repeatedly, which was a good sign that he was thinking, too.

"We have to make it seem like we aren't talking about him, as he hates talking about himself," James finally spoke up. Sirius was about to respond when he saw Professor Elderberry walking idly towards them.

He quickly arranged the stack of tarot cards into some kind of order and began telling James about the unfortunate fact that he had a deformed big toe, as according to the Cards. Professor Elderberry nodded vaguely at him before continuing on her path around the musty classroom.

"Yeah, Moony is awkward like that," Sirius agreed, "how about we make out we are talking about, oh, I don't know, Peter?"

"Peter?" James repeated dumbly.

"Yeah, and how he took his break up with that girl from Hufflepuff really badly and –"

"How do we know he even broke up with a girl in the first place?" James interrupted.

"You said yourself he smelt of sex when he came in that night, and this all started from then," Sirius told him, frowning.

"Yeah, I guess," James sounded unconvinced, "and how exactly is Remus going to believe we are talking about Peter? Hello, he is Peter's friend, too!"

"Well he did break up with that Sappy Sara moron," Sirius started.

"Yes, and from what I can remember he wasn't all too bothered about it. Bounced back quickly enough. And anyway, that was ages ago!" James sighed with exasperation.

"Well, have you got any better ideas, Mr. Intelligent?" Sirius retorted, annoyed with his suggestion being so quickly shot down.

"No," James said quietly. "You know," he said after a while, "I think we ought to simply talk to him about it properly, like the mature men we are. It seems too serious to be playing games around it."

"Why does it have to be so hard?" Sirius sighed.

"I don't know, Pads, I don't know."

* * *

Not wanting to leave it too late, James and Sirius decided they would bring it up before the full moon rose that night, and quietly hoping Remus wouldn't get too worked up before his transformation. As lessons ended and everyone headed back to their respective Common Rooms, James and Sirius met up with him on his way to the library.

"Thought you'd be headed here, Moons," Sirius said loudly from behind Remus, causing him to jump. Remus prepared himself before turning around to greet his friends with the best lukewarm smile he could muster.

"I thought I'd get an early start on my Runes essay," Remus said.

"Yeah, that must be pretty gruelling," James nodded at him in an encouraging fashion. Come to think about it, Sirius was also acting oddly. The three of them were standing in the corridor leading to the library rather awkwardly. Remus frowned. They were up to something. He stated his suspicions, and then fiddled with his knuckle in wait for a reply.

"Oh no, not really, we were just – we wanted to –" James was floundering so Sirius took over.

"Listen, Moony, we know," Remus' head shot up so fast Sirius was surprised he didn't get whiplash.

"Know what?" Remus asked in a barely audible whisper.

"About the girl," Remus stared at Sirius blankly, but Sirius also noticed his shoulders relax, "you know, the Slytherin?"

"The what?" Remus looked very surprised, shocked even.

"Mate, we know you might not want to talk about it, but maybe it helps to get it off your chest. We're worried about you, Moons," James smiled encouragingly, placing a hand on Remus' shoulder, who immediately shrugged it off. If Sirius didn't know better, he'd have thought Remus had flinched at the contact.

"Am I supposed to know what you are rambling on about?" Remus asked softly.

"Look, we understand, being dumped isn't fun, but you're acting weird, Moony. You're not yourself and I don't even remember the last time I saw you eat a square meal," James told him. Sirius nodded, as if what James had said made complete sense.

"Prongs, have you been taking those little white squares that muggles use, because honestly they mess with your head," Remus told him in a mock-concerned tone. Sirius and James were a little surprised. Although Remus was skilled at hiding his emotions he really did seem to have no idea what they were talking about, at all. They exchanged quick looks before Sirius ploughed on. After all, they were used to Remus behaving like this, as if he didn't have any problems.

"You don't have to talk about it now, but mate, we are here for you. We always will be, Moons. Don't forget it," Sirius tugged on Remus' shoulder gently as he spoke to him. That Remus flinched again at such contact confirmed for Sirius that he hadn't been mistaken the first time, but he removed his hand quickly.

The two maintained eye contact until Remus' eyes slipped down to rest on his chin. Sirius sighed, seeing they were getting nowhere.

"Just know we love you, Moons; me, James, and Peter," Sirius said, restraining himself from hugging his stubbornly quiet friend. He'd have settled for patting him on the back, but gathered that Remus probably wouldn't appreciate that, either.

"James, Peter and I," Remus corrected, smiling slightly. Sirius grinned back at him warmly, conveying as much friendliness and love with his eyes as he could. Remus nodded and turned to head in the direction of the library, his scowling face hidden from their view.

James looked at Sirius, who shrugged, and they made their way to Gryffindor Tower slowly, the disappointment fresh in their walk.

* * *

Why? Why did they have to go and do that now? As if he hadn't enough to fucking deal with, they go and put more on his shoulders. Well, fuck them, Remus thought. He backtracked quickly, however, as remorse for his selfish thoughts overtook him.

It wasn't their fault; Sirius and James were just looking out for him. Like friends should. Friends he didn't deserve. He scowled again, this time at his own unworthiness and stormed into the library.

He hadn't planned on doing any work, as it happened. He just needed to be alone. He felt drained from the approaching full moon, without the added effort of pretending everything was absolutely fine. And apparently that had gone as swimmingly as he had initially thought it might. He cursed quietly into a bookshelf before throwing himself onto the floor in despair.

Back against the bookshelf, and knees bent to his chest, Remus was a pathetic sight to behold.

How was he supposed to keep this up? He knew he couldn't tell them; he was a burden enough on everybody, but in a way, a sick way, it would certainly make it slightly easier on him. Maybe these feelings of guilt, shame, hatred would lighten if he told someone. Or maybe they would turn on him once they found out he was a dirty queer. With a fierce resignation, Remus pulled himself up to stand and realised where he should go.

It had been a long time since Poppy Pomfrey had accompanied him to the Shack, so Remus could go at any time. Even five hours early.

* * *

Though he had never found himself fancying any of the girls his friends had taken an interest in, Remus had never thought he was gay, and it wasn't – certainly wasn't – as if he had enjoyed that night. But still, he had become hard so didn't that mean he was a queer? That must have said he was asking for it, didn't it?

His mind wandered dangerously close to remembering that night and his stomach lurched uncomfortably. He fell off the dirty, old bed and onto the dusty floor, on all fours. He felt ill. So ill. His stomach rotated inside itself, or that's how it felt. He could feel the bile rising and before he knew it, he'd thrown up what little he'd eaten in the last three days all over the wooden floor of the Shrieking Shack.

He had been used. He had been violated. As Lucius stated, he wasn't a virgin anymore. He was worthless scum. He shuddered violently and pulled back, away from the mess, dragging himself slowly onto the bed again. And then he cried. Heavy sobs racked his thin frame as he cursed and howled and gasped for air.

His drained body slowly slipped into a state of semi-consciousness as his sobbing became feebler. He was losing himself to sleep, and hadn't the energy to fight it. There were mere hours before the moon would rise, but Remus was lost to that fact as he slipped further into a dark, fitful slumber.

* * *

The frail body of Remus Lupin slumped delicately over the edge of the bed in the Shrieking Shack, his hand falling gracefully to the floor and landing in something unpleasant and sticky. Wet.


	4. Death of a Clown

DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.

DEATH OF A CLOWN:

"_Ahem."_

_Remus sat up straighter in his seat at the Gryffindor table as the voice of the headmaster thundered across the Great Hall. _

"_Ladies and Gentleman, and Sirius," Professor Dumbledore nodded in the direction of a very loud and all too uncensored Sirius Black. He continued once Sirius had quietened with a charming grin to the headmaster. _

"_As you are all aware the Great Willow in the grounds is out of bounds, so please do not let me hear any more stories of these 'games' involving the tree. It is most valuable and these games are most dangerous. Heed my warning…" _

_Remus began to tune out as he stirred his porridge absentmindedly. He didn't really feel hungry anymore, ever. He added a spoonful of sugar to make it look like he had every intention of eating it, even though that was far from the case. _

_He slumped back down in the bench with a sigh. His back was aching and he felt quite queasy. As he sank back, the Hall erupted with noise. _

_Surprised, Remus looked up from his untouched breakfast. Dumbledore had finished talking and everyone was back to eating, and chatting happily. _

"_If only people knew why the tree was so dangerous," Sirius whispered mischievously. Remus glowered at him, but he merely raised his eyebrows suggestively. Peter snorted._

"_Could you imagine Snivvely's face?" Peter's chubby face lit up at the thought. Remus felt his eyes widen in fear. _

"_Mate, you know they're only kidding," James laughed, but he stopped when he saw Remus' doubtful expression. Were they really kidding?_

"_Yeah, Jamesy boy is right, Moons," Sirius assured him, now sounding slightly concerned; the glint of mischief lost from his grey eyes. Remus' lips didn't want to smile, but somehow they turned up at the corners anyway, and even if it were just for show, it worked. James, Sirius and Peter mentioned it no further and went back to their nearly empty breakfast plates. _

_As if on cue, hundreds of owls swarmed into the Hall from the ceiling and began dropping parcels and letters to various students. He tensed at the thought, knowing what might be dropped in front of him. Bracing himself, he looked up. From what he could see no owl appeared to be searching him out, but then, how could he possibly know from that blur? _

_As if to taunt him, however, James received a letter, and then so did Peter. To his astonishment even Sirius received one, but no letter came for Remus. And before Remus could relax, a thought occurred to him. All three of his friends had received letters, and while it was common for Peter or James to be written by their parents, Sirius had no such affections from his own family. Remus reasoned it could, of course, be fan mail from his female entourage, but somehow that didn't seem likely to him. Something else entirely more awful did seem likely. _

_It was him. He had written to them, and told them what a foul, disgusting, faggot of a Dark creature Remus was. He could see them reading their letters, as if synchronised, and their expressions changing together. They all looked up at him together, six cold eyes staring through him. _

_He began to breathe harder, and faster. He looked at all three of them in turn before he stood up and ran out of the Great Hall. He didn't stop until he'd reached the Fat Lady, who snarled at him to go back to his lessons but he grunted the password and she let him through after a moment's irritating hesitation. _

_He walked briskly up to the dormitory and locked the door behind him. Sinking to his knees, he let out a small howl of pain and doubled over into a violent fit of sobbing._

_

* * *

_

_Remus was late to their morning History of Magic lesson, with the result that he sat next to a rather steely Peter. Peter barely said more than 'hello' to him all lesson, and even that was delivered with a forced cheerfulness. Remus could also feel the glances at his down turned head from James and Sirius, sat in front of them, as well, passing judgement over his head. No one even mentioned Remus' abrupt departure from breakfast._

_He sucked in each breath as if it were an effort just to remind himself to breathe, and used it as a distraction from the nagging feeling that something was considerably off. He wrote line after line of notes that meant nothing to him. Words that barely reached his distracted ears, and would fail to register on his troubled mind. All the while, they knew. And he realised by their silence towards him, they were biding their time._

_Lunch had taken place surprisingly early, coming just after first lesson, and had been incredibly uncomfortable. All three of them, Peter, James and Sirius, seemed to be avoiding talking about the letters, instead occupying themselves, and occasionally a distanced Remus, in unnatural conversations actually involving the previous lesson. _

_Since this was not a common practice for the Marauders, Remus knew he was in for something later. They were waiting until just the right moment before announcing his demotion from their friendship. There was no way out, they definitely knew alright. _

_Once again, Remus didn't eat. He didn't, however, bother to hide this fact now as he knew his friends no longer cared. He sat there in his stony silence – except on the rare occasion when one of the other boys would make a comment that required his input – practically immobile. Apart from those sparse inclusions, Remus was treated as no more than a table ornament which was simply an annoyance they had to look around in order to see each other. _

_And why should it be any different, when he was just a worthless werewolf? A pathetic excuse for a man, a sub-human, who couldn't even defend himself. What kind of a monster can't even defend themselves?_

_The feelings he hadn't experienced since he was a young boy began to surface again. Loneliness. Depression. Remus knew he could only hold on a little longer before he would lose the fight. The fight he chose to engage in everyday with the wolf inside him. The fight against selfishness and animalism. No boy of his age should ever have to go through that choice, and especially not everyday, but for Remus it was commonplace. Only as he grew older, the temptations became increasingly more difficult to resist as the wolf inside him grew stronger. _

_Remus knew he couldn't hold on much longer, not without the Marauders._

_

* * *

_

_In Potions, which followed lunch, things took a definite turn for the worse. All of them knew Potions was Remus' worst subject, and he had become accustomed to the slight mick-taking from the other marauders about it. Usually this was just Sirius and James, as Peter couldn't consider himself much better than Remus in the subject, but today they seemed to be taking it to a much higher level._

'_At least they're acknowledging me' was Remus' desperate attempt at solace, but now that they were talking to him, sort of, he almost wished that they wouldn't. Peter was grumbling about being stuck with Remus once again, who tried to ignore the subtle slants to his name. James and Sirius were in the table opposite them, with their heads together, obviously talking about him. _

_Every so often he would catch a comment, or they would send one his way, which would make his already low self-esteem plummet through the dungeon floor. _

"_I love being better than him at something, don't you?" James whispered clearly, glancing over his shoulder towards Remus._

"_Yeah, the know-it-all needs to be pegged down a few notches," Sirius replied sincerely._

"_Or his head won't fit through the door!" Sirius snorted at his best friend's comment while Remus took to mercilessly stabbing at the Gurdyroot in front of him, until Peter stepped in to save it._

"_Do you do it intentionally, or are you really that stupid?" Peter asked in irritation as he grabbed the Gurdyroot and began attempting to salvage its remains. Remus remained silent, but Peter wasn't finished._

"_I thought bookworms were meant to be clever, obviously I was wrong," he muttered, curling his nose in contempt at Remus. Again Remus said nothing. He merely watched Peter clumsily drop the rescued Gurdyroot into their cauldron, which hissed in response to the new addition. _

_They were dealing with a particularly nasty memory potion, which involved a lot of precise time-keeping, and intricate cutting up of ingredients. The practicality of Potions was not Remus' forte for this reason. It was therefore unsurprising that the potion did not turn out well. But didn't James, Sirius and Peter let him know it. _

_He had tried to convince himself that it was all in jest; after all, he was particularly rubbish in Potions. But when all James and Sirius did as Peter and Remus' potion exploded in his face was laugh raucously, he realised this was not the case. _

_He knew Snape to act viciously towards a mistake made by himself in his least favourite lesson, but for his now obviously former friends to be slandering him with so much passion; it was more than he could take._

_Of course, it had been his fault – he was too quick to add the crushed rat droppings – and consequently this gave them more ammunition to use against him. _

_Sirius was the worst offender. He not only reprimanded Remus for causing his sleek Black hair to curl slightly in the heat, but also accused him of being sub-human, allowing for subtle hints towards Remus' lycanthropy, because "No one could possibly be that bad in a subject."_

_Sirius made him feel like he was the vilest thing that walked the Earth by uttering only a few choice words. The way he said it was the clinch. He spat the words at Remus with such a cruel humour in his eloquent voice it made the hairs on the back of Remus' neck stand to attention. _

"_I suppose you can't expect too much of a half-breed, really."_

_And that was it. _

_That was the last thing Remus heard before the rounded, walrus-like Potions professor stepped in._

_After receiving a three week detention from Professor Slughorn for sullying the Potions classroom, Remus was excused early, though not too early in his opinion. _

_He tore out of the dungeon classroom and instead of taking himself to the common room, or the Great Hall, or even the library, Remus instead headed outside to clear his head, and the tears that had flowed freely from his cheeks since his abrupt departure from the dungeons. _

_It was almost dark already as the winter season was fast approaching. The grey colouring of the sky was what reminded Remus of why today had felt so off, not just due to his friends, but from a gut feeling; it was a full moon tonight._

_Remus ran to the Whomping Willow and threw himself past branch after swinging branch towards the knot, which he pressed with two trembling hands. _

_He would be alone tonight. He would be alone from now on._

_

* * *

_

_As his empty stomach told him to go to dinner, Remus instead sat, alone, in the Shrieking Shack: ignoring the run of tears down his cheeks. How had he been foolish enough to believe he could have friends? Should he not have known from the moment he was bitten, or maybe earlier, maybe when he was born, his life would be a cursed one? He wasn't normal. So why should his life be? Why had he believed himself worthy of such a thing: a normal life?_

_The self-pitying sobs continued until the sun faded to an orange glow. Sunset. It occurred to Remus then that the sunset was occurring peculiarly early, but then, who was he to question the stars? _

_ To his greater astonishment, having been certain he would be left alone tonight, three boys entered the Shrieking Shack. And as he felt the first pulls at his aching muscles, his eyes locked with Sirius', and met with a strange emotion. Remus knew the emotion only too well, but it did not bode well with the grey eyes it spilled out of; pity. _

_ Remus couldn't bear those eyes searching him so he turned his face away. Curiosity, however, got the better of him and he looked to the other two for some sort of explanation. Had they forgiven him for being weak? _

_All three of them looked commiserating. Pitying. _

_They looked ashamed. They looked ashamed at themselves, though it wasn't clear to Remus why. Perhaps they were embarrassed at how they had taken the news. Or perhaps they were embarrassed that they had ever accepted friendship from him in the first place, and accepted him. _

_They weren't speaking. His throat was too dry to add his own words and so they stood and sat in silence. _

_The room and the three figures faded to black and then reappeared within seconds, although they seemed paler than before, and a shiver ran up Remus' spine. In his head, a dull ache began to accommodate itself. Every few seconds the painful silence was interrupted by blackness. It was starting._

_Remus didn't have much longer as the wolf began to pull him out of his mind. The pins and needles started up his arms and legs but he was only half aware of it. He was able to feel his insides begin to rearrange themselves, however, and he gurgled in pain._

_He even looked despairingly at the three who stood before him, watching as if mesmerised, and utterly calm. Six blank eyes watched him, tracing his distorted figure. Three blank faces stared at him; three human faces. _

_In the instant he realised this, his spine began to curl and bend forwards. He screamed hoarsely, the whites of his eyes expressing the agony of his torment. The torture. And they still weren't changing. _

"_Gah - you - change - NOW!" he gasped, and then gagged as his head began to shrink and his jaw slowly lengthened. _

_With the last remnants of his human mind, Remus pleaded silently with the three boys. They began to laugh, hollow and cold, at him. It was humiliating; the three of them leering at him, and laughing at his pain, watching him turn into a monster with revolted fascination. _

_Sirius stepped forward, his bark-like laugh thundering and splitting into Remus' sensitive ears. He looked at Remus, who by now was hunched forwards on all fours, and nearly completely resembled a wolf, and Remus saw his eyes flash with amusement. _

_It was all a joke to him. Moony. The transformation. His pain. All a joke. But if Sirius didn't change now those eyes would soon lose their laughter. Moony would wipe that sneer off those perfect lips._

_Sirius mimed the word "fag" and a growl leaked out of the wolf-like Remus. Sirius' wicked laughter faltered. His sneer flickered into a look of fear and he began to shrink into Padfoot._

_With the wolf in his heels, and not yet fully transformed, Remus launched at Sirius. Sirius was only half changed, with Padfoot's head and shoulders on his human torso. It looked horrific, and the grimace in Padfoot's eyes told of the pain. _

_A distant and pained screaming could be heard, but it sounded shallow, as if underwater and it only intensified Remus' blood lust. _

_He sank his sharp, still human teeth into the mutt's neck, crimson blood erupting from Padfoot's throat deliciously. Remus lapped at it, relishing in the coppery taste of it, and his teeth elongated into fangs that sank deeper into furry skin._

_His mind seemed to be holding on, staving off the wolf, and Remus was enjoying the adrenaline-filled lust himself. He was becoming the wolf wholly and heartily._

_Something hard collided with his head and Remus dropped his food to search out the source. Prongs stood defiantly behind him, baring his antlers. Remus bared his blood stained teeth at him, warning him to back off but the animal would not conform, its hazel eyes shining in anger. Remus lashed out with his claws, causing the stag to stumble, but still it remained defiantly stubborn, and now placed itself in-between Remus and the bloodied form of Sirius. Remus growled low and long. The stag dipped its head in its own form of threat. Remus launched himself again, this time on Prongs and sank his fully grown fangs into its neck. Prongs stumbled backwards from the pain, and tried to shake Remus off, but Remus was strong, and only sank his fangs in further. The stag let out a sound of pain and Remus let it go, for a second, only to go at it again with more force. His snout clamped around Prongs' leg, pulling hard until he heard a snap. Prongs went down quickly, breathing hard and snorting furiously through the pain. He was defeated._

_With the stag now unable to protect his comrade, Remus made to go at the weakened mutt again but his interest was captured by an incessant squeaking that only now reached his attention. He saw the rat move and lunged. It was not a threat, it was a toy. Wormtail had made Remus suffer and so Remus would allow the same for him. The rat was fast, however, and found a hole only just big enough to accommodate its rounded belly. Remus knew not to try his luck with the hole, his human common sense overriding the wolf's instinct, and he returned to his initial conquest. _

_The mutt was whimpering and its human torso was heaving. It had lost a lot of blood, it was weak. Remus licked at the wound on the neck of his victim, and to the untrained eye it could almost be seen as an act of tenderness. But what a fool to think that Remus Lupin was a tender being any longer. Remus Lupin was a monster._

_He smiled inwardly whilst the wolf got to work on his old friend, tearing at skin and muscle, ripping through the anatomy that used to represent one Sirius Orion Black._

_

* * *

_

Then Padfoot was gone, and he wasn't in the Shrieking Shack, but in a dark, uncomfortably tight space. He thrashed about with a maddened reverie but didn't wake up, at least not of his own accord, anyway.

He was shaken awake by a violent force that he came to realise was one James Potter. At the sight of those sparkling hazel eyes Remus backed away out of his touch, cowering against the cracked headboard.

"Don't-touch-me!" Remus barked out, the whites of his own eyes showing manically.

James pulled his hand back to himself hastily and tried to look normal and comfortable and unaffected. But Remus saw his eyes lose their glint for a moment before it returned in them, dimmed. He felt the shame grow wider within him and fought back the threat of tears.

"Moons?" James hesitated before retreating off the bed and standing next to a concerned Sirius Black and bewildered Peter Pettigrew, both whole and alive.

Remus closed out the hazel eyes, closed out their faces, closed his mind.

But the force better known as James Potter was upon him again quickly. He growled low and menacing but James held his position this time. He was far too accustomed to Remus' behaviour around the full moon to be intimidated.

"I'm sorry, mate, but you can't sleep now. Full moon," James grimaced in an apology. He looked pathetic kneeling in front of Remus, his 'well-meaning' cronies behind him at either side.

Remus wanted to gouge out those endearing hazel eyes.

No. No, he didn't.

Remus was not a disgusting, foul, dirty, Dark creature. Remus was not a monster. And yet he felt compelled to rip James' skinny, outstretched arm off – with his teeth preferably.

No. His eyes widened in their golden haze and he backed further into the headboard, it letting out a groan in response to the pressure, and made himself as small as possible. He buried his evil head in his monstrous arms, knees pulled tightly to his skinny chest. New, refreshed sobs twisted through him and emerged in strangled cries and whimpers.

Something wet and sticky clumped his sodden eyelashes together and an overwhelming smell filtered into his flared nostrils. He gagged as the heightened odour only increased and he broke apart from his shell, defeated by his own natural reactions.

This was when he realised he was not alone on the bed. A large and very Black dog was curled by his feet, watching him intently with sad grey eyes.

Lifeless grey eyes, hooded by drooping eyelids that were framed with red and sticky fur, hanging limp off shredded skin. A path of blood led to a tangled mess of what used to be Prongs, and nearby a small rat was quivering.

But the image in front of him was blurring, coming in and out of focus. Remus was glad. He couldn't bear to face the full impact of that scene. He knew it was his doing. He knew he was dangerous, he'd known that for a long time. He knew he ought to die, deserved to die. How could he have done that to them?

The sobs that had continued erupting from Remus were turning into shaky, quick gasps. This continued into shallow sucking until he wasn't really breathing at all, not in the sense that any oxygen was entering his terse mouth.

As much as he wanted air, he could only breathe out, and trying to breathe in felt like his lungs were clamped tight, refusing to take in any air. His shell reformed and he pulled as far away from the terrible sight as he could manage in his tight form. The need for air overwhelmed him and his head tilted back as he slipped away again.

* * *

Instead of James waking him, the pain was the assailant this time. It spread down his spine and reached inside him, pressing against his lungs and ribs. The pins and needles crept up his arms and legs.

He felt his insides moving around in him, working out their structure to fit the wolf's frame. He felt the pull on his bones that made him want to be sick. He fought that urge by concentrating on the pain.

Remus looked around him in fear, praying that his eyes would not meet human faces. But they didn't. Instead his eyes took in the sight of a dog, a stag and a rat. All healthy, all whole, all alive.

The transformation lasted years but finally and without a fight, Remus' weakened mind was overtaken by the wolf. His mind rested with it in the first true escape from himself.

* * *

AUTHOR: perhaps now would be a good time to mention that everything in italics was a dream.


	5. A Well Respected Man

DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.

A WELL RESPECTED MAN:

Remus could taste the blood in his mouth, on his lips, as he opened his eyes nervously; he knew the scene that would befall them. But his eyes did not take in the bloodied bodies of his three friends, merely the red glow of his curtains.

He wondered briefly why his friends still cared enough to have taken him back to the dorm – the place they knew he preferred to wake as opposed to the heavily perfumed hospital wing – after the way he had acted the previous night?

Remus knew it would do little for him to dwell on that question. He breathed in heavily and pushed his aching body into a half-way sitting position. His elbows protested weakly to the weight on the exhausted joints but he ignored them.

It hadn't happened, yet. His nightmares were still only that, nothing more, or less. And he thanked any deity he could recall for it.

Remus knew he ought to get up. He knew if he didn't they would start to wonder. Wonder why he had been so wired this moon, compared to the past.

He knew he had, he remembered how he had felt as he changed, and that always indicated his behaviour in the moonlight.

Perhaps they hadn't noticed. Perhaps he was in the clear. Or perhaps he was being foolish to believe anything could be that easy for him. He couldn't get away with anything, and certainly not murder. Not even in his mind.

What was really centred in his mind was the why. Why? Why had he wanted to kill his best friends? Why had he nearly lost himself to the wolf?

What was wrong with him?

He had become the monster society had always deemed him. He was worthless.

He grabbed at his white bed sheets in desperation, trying to squeeze the thoughts out of his fingertips. He ground his teeth together, and then began gnashing like a savage. Savage. Yes, that was the new Remus.

He continued crashing his teeth together for a full minute, as they began to hurt to the point of tears. And the pain was what relaxed his tense shoulders.

Odd, was his thoughts, that he should find comfort in causing himself harm. But then, was that not what he did every month anyway? Perhaps it was simply that he had gotten used to it to the point that it was a comfort. Perhaps he was going mad.

Having had enough of his own depressing thoughts, however validated he felt in them, Remus did get up.

As he opened the red curtains he saw that he had once again slept passed his friends waking up. And they had known to leave him.

None of them remained in the dorm, and with this knowledge comforting him, Remus took himself off to the showers to once again scrub himself clean, and put on his 'happy face'.

* * *

It was putting immense strain on his sanity to keep this smile going. Sirius had just cracked another one of his 'McGoogles' jokes, which were supposed to be hilariously funny, and everyone else was rolling around on the floor with tears of laughter streaming down their rosy cheeks.

The sight made Remus want to retch, but his face remained in its impassive state, with an awkward smile just not quite convincingly placed on his pink lips.

No one had noticed yet, noticed the falsity of his cheery mood. No one had mentioned last night. No one had said anything at all, in fact. Not anything worth reporting, in any case.

But Remus knew he had to keep it up. Keep up the new Remus, the fun Remus, the carefree Remus that wouldn't hurt a fly, lest alone his three best friends.

That way no one would realise the transition he had taken to becoming the real new Remus, the killer, the monster.

* * *

James sat up straighter in his seat at the Gryffindor table. The voice of the headmaster thundered across the Great Hall.

"Ladies and Gentleman, and Sirius," Professor Dumbledore nodded in the direction of a very loud and all too uncensored Sirius Black. He continued once Sirius had quietened with a charming grin to the headmaster. James rolled his eyes.

"As you are all aware by now, there has been an incident involving the Willow tree in the grounds. May I remind everyone, as indeed we can see by Mr Gudgeon's plight; this tree is out of bounds for a reason. I cannot stress enough the dangers surrounding the Great Willow but to those who do not wish to heed my warning, at least remind yourselves that a boy is recovering in the Hospital Wing after nearly losing an eye this morning.

"Mr Gudgeon decided he would involve himself in a game where the goal was to get as close to the Willow as possible. We all know and understand the meaning behind the tree's pet name. Shall we have another incident like that of Mr Gudgeon or can I trust that you will use your intelligence next time not to take up an offer of such a foolhardy game?

"Right, with the nasties out of the way we can all enjoy our lunch in peace. Everybody, tuck in."

"Will they never learn?" James shook his head in mock admonishment as dinner appeared in its mountains in front of them.

"If only people knew why the tree was so dangerous," Sirius whispered mischievously. James saw Remus look up from his dinner at this statement.

"Could you imagine Snivvely's face?" Peter's chubby face lit up at the thought. Remus appeared to look at Peter, and then Sirius, in horror. James was taken aback by the look of fear in his eyes; surely Remus knew his secret was safe with them?

"Mate, you know they're only kidding," James laughed, but he stopped when he saw Remus' darkening expression. James looked to Sirius and Peter for support.

"The sod would certainly deserve it after today," Sirius' eyes flashed. Remus appeared to wince.

"And he bloody accused me of cheating on that test!" Peter cried indignantly, "it's not my flipping fault I understood something in Potions for once."

Sirius grinned and James snorted. Remus simply stared at Peter as if he had grown a third head.

He had been unusually perky since his late arrival to their second lesson this afternoon. But now, as James looked at Remus' terrified face, he seemed to be shrinking away again. James certainly couldn't have that.

"Sirius, Peter, please refrain from using such language at this table. You are hurting poor Moony's delicate ears," James attempted to make light of the situation.

Apparently his attempts were not up to standard as he watched Remus stand up from the table and move determinedly for the doors of the Great Hall.

"What's eating him?" Peter questioned with only slight curiosity.

"D'you reckon it had something to do with last night?" Sirius' own question was directed solely at James, who looked at him and shrugged. Who knew what was going on in Remus' head these days?

* * *

It wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. He knew that. He knew it wasn't possible, and yet, as he stood panting by the edge of the Forest, his heart believed it. His heart believed that they knew.

All he could do now was pretend. Pretend it never happened. Pretend he had never been used. Pretend he wasn't weak. Yes, he would be absolutely fine, and they would realise that, too, in time.

He just needed to forget his own worthlessness, and failure. He needed to forget so that he could exist.

'Now, how to get this nightmare out of my head?' Remus pondered. A nice stroll through the woods, or be it the Forbidden Forest, was his answer.

Life repeating dreams was normal, wasn't it?

* * *

"He is definitely taking this break-up harder than we thought," James shook his head sadly. Sirius, sat on the bed across from him, nodded.

"I suppose she was his first – you know – his first proper girlfriend."

"That we knew nothing about," Sirius remarked sourly. He wrinkled up his nose as if to express the sheer revulsion he felt at being kept in the dark about his friend's love life.

"Sirius, it is up to Remus who he confides his love life in; probably Lily," James' eyes glazed over as he mentioned his own love quest, "I had hoped he would talk once he knew we knew, though." Sirius nodded his head vigorously in response.

"He sure tried to deny his furry little problem when we found out. It isn't that much of a surprise."

"And where is our furry friend, anyway?" James asked, ignoring Sirius' pouting.

"Dunno, off making other secret romances, no doubt," Sirius said.

"Or slitting his wrists over the last one," James added uncharacteristically. Being that he was not usually one to speak of anything so dark, the comment certainly made Sirius look up from his self-pity.

"Excuse me, Mr. Sunshine? Care to repeat that?"

"You saw his face at dinner, he looked ready to jump off the Astronomy Tower," James said. "I'm worried about him, Sirius."

"I know mate, I know," Sirius sighed, shaking his head.

The door to the dormitory opened and a tired looking Remus walked in. Upon seeing the two of them sat in a rather despondent discussion, his face lit up and he seemed to be attempting a smile.

That was what James thought, though it didn't look all that much like a smile; more of a grimace, in his opinion.

"Well hello there, you," Sirius said brightly, trying his best not to look as though the two of them had been speaking about him.

"Hi," Remus responded, equally brightly. This didn't suit him, especially with the all too prominent dark circles around his eyes.

"So," James said, for conversation's sake, "recovered from last night, Moons?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Remus bit back defensively. Sirius frowned and James started. Where had that come from?

Remus, realising his mistake, smiled that awkward smile again and nodded silently. He walked slowly and purposely over to his bed from the position he had taken by the door. James and Sirius watched his every move. Remus noticed their behaviour and raised his eyebrows at them.

"What, have I suddenly gotten devastatingly attractive, or can you just not keep your eyes off of me?" He asked with a light chuckle. James and Sirius both diverted their eyes. The silence resumed.

"Did we get any homework in Charms this morning?" Remus asked when he had removed his school tie. Their day was finished with, all having a free period on Thursday afternoons except Peter who had foolishly taken Muggle Studies in a hope that he might be reasonably good at it, being muggleborn and all.

Sirius took a while in answering Remus, the reason being he was quite taken aback at Remus' normalcy. Had he not just been very moody at lunch?

"Nah, you know Flitwick always forgets. He's getting on in life, his memory is escaping him," Sirius shook his head whilst grinning. Remus nodded in reply, pulling out a textbook that Sirius couldn't read the cover of. He suspected it might be his Ancient Runes textbook.

Sirius watched Remus study the book for a while, until Remus became agitated and stared at him suspiciously.

"I know I'm gorgeous, Sirius, but really, you're putting me off," Remus raised his eyebrows as Sirius continued watching him.

"That was the plan," Sirius responded automatically. Remus sighed and dropped his head again, turning his attention back to his studies.

Sirius looked at James, who had been rifling through his trunk in an apparent search for something. The something was held in his left hand at present, and he was looking rather pleased with himself. Sirius quirked an eyebrow at him, at which James replied to with a goofy grin. Then he mimed something at Sirius, who was too slow to pick up on it.

James frowned and repeated his mime, displaying more of his white teeth this time. Sirius understood him, and grinned also.

"So, Mr. Moony, are we too busy to exact a little revenge on a certain greasy-haired, long-nosed, Dark Arts obsessed Slytherin?" Sirius asked as he walked over to the frail boy. He then proceeded to lift his textbook off Remus' lap and throw it across the dormitory. Remus grumbled in a mildly angry tone.

"Thought not," Sirius said.

Remus sighed with a knowing resignation and allowed himself to be dragged out of the dormitory by both James and Sirius, who were each grinning madly.


	6. Beautiful Boy

DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.

I'M SO TIRED:

Remus was tired, so tired. He was sick of pretending. It had been weeks or at least felt as long, maybe longer, and he knew his cheery façade was not any less obviously false to his friends. He knew they knew something was up, but he was quite happy to let them think it was his "break up" with this mystery girlfriend. He'd caught Sirius grumbling about the poor, non-existent girl a couple of times to James or Peter or anyone who cared to listen.

If Remus were to ever land himself a girlfriend, and what a highly unlikely circumstance that would be, he realised she would most definitely not be a Slytherin. He'd never considered dating one anyway, but Sirius seemed adamant that his "ex" was one, and was not happy about the fact.

Remus could handle that. He could handle them thinking that. It was lying, and he felt rotten anytime he lied, to anyone, but he had been doing so for most of his life, so one more lie couldn't hurt, surely?

* * *

More and more often Remus was turning to memories to get him through the day. Mainly childish ones from when he was young enough not to be burdened by deep thoughts and feelings. Young enough not to know real pain, emotional pain.

He let his thoughts drift to his mother. More specifically to him relaxing in his mother's deep, warm lap as she hummed to him and ran long, slender fingers ever so lightly through his feathery hair.

She had been trying to send him to sleep. He had seen that only with hindsight, and maturity. He knew because he remembered the pain crept up on him with far more force as he fought with his mind to stay awake. He had been enjoying himself far too much to give in to the temptation of a nap.

All the strength he had used whilst fighting the inevitable dream world took away from his reserves for fighting the more intimidating full moon.

Remus knew his mother had meant well, that she had been attempting to distract his attention away from any pain, and he loved her for it, but that night had been the worst transformation he had suffered thus far in his short life.

As he grew older, his transformations only became more excrutiating, however, Remus had learnt not to try distraction methods. It was best, he'd found through trial and error, just to ride it out.

After all, he'd soon have forgotten that pain for another month.

Sitting on the stoop, with his feet tucked as far beneath him as was possible, Remus fumbled for his cigarette packet and, once successful, numbly lit one.

He let the sensation of nicotine fill his veins as he inhaled from yet another cigarette. And maybe this one would let him forget the real pain, all of it. The exhaustion. The hurt. His own emotions.

Himself.

* * *

Sirius knew Remus had a bad habit. He knew that Remus was the occasional, every so often chain smoker. So when he heard movement by the window where the Marauders had discovered their secret ledge back in second year, he knew instantly who it was. What sounds he heard next, however, did surprise him.

A low rumbling hum was how it started, but it soon turned into a deep guttural groan. And then someone was strumming a guitar to produce the most beautiful and unsettlingly angry music he had ever heard.

And then Remus began singing; quiet, but oh so powerful.

"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink. I'm so tired; my mind is on the blink. I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink –"

And he was good, with the emotional range of a Potter during a Quidditch match, or an Evans after a meeting with said Potter.

"No, no, no. I'm so tired; I don't know what to do. I'm so tired my mind is set on you. I wonder should I tell you but I know what you would do.

"You'd say I'm putting you on but it's no joke, its doing me harm you know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain. You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane. You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind."

Remus let out a sigh, one drawn out with the emotion of someone heavily put upon, before continuing in his husky if melodramatic voice.

"I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset. Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette. And curse Sir Walter Raleigh. He was such a stupid get.

"You'd say I'm putting you on but it's no joke, it's doing me harm. You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain. You know its three weeks; I'm going insane. You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind.

"I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind.

"I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind."

The words eased into low mumblings again and then no more was heard. Sirius waited, as if expecting something more, but all he received was the smell of cigarette smoke and the sound of air being sucked in and released slowly.

Feeling oddly disappointed, and vaguely voyeuristic, he turned himself away from the window and grabbed his things for a shower, trying not to think about the reasons behind Remus' sudden musicality.

* * *

Remus moved his hands as quick as lightening along the strings of his Dad's guitar. It had always helped him relax when he felt troubled. He'd never felt quite this awful before, though, so his hopes for this relieving some of his near on a month's build up of tension were low.

Even so, he let his voice pick up from a hum into his mother's favourite song.

"Close your eyes, have no fear. The monster's gone, he's on the run and your daddy's here.

"Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy.

"Before you go to sleep, say a little prayer. Every day in every way, it's getting better and better.

"Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy.

"Out on the ocean sailing away, I can hardly wait to see you come of age, but I guess we'll both just have to be patient. 'Cause it's a long way to go, a hard row to hoe, yes it's a long way to go but in the meantime, before you cross the street take my hand. Life is just what happens to you while your busy making other plans.

"Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy.

"Before you go to sleep, say a little prayer. Everyday in everyway, it's getting better and better.

"Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy.

"Darling, darling, darling, darling Boy."

The tears were in full flow by the time he was finished. But even though he was weeping to himself up on a small ledge some hundred feet from the ground, he couldn't help but feel lighter just by the thought of his mum, and his dad. He knew they loved him.

Perhaps, though, love was best left in the past tense. How could anyone love him anymore? How could anyone love this monstrous wreck of an ugly boy?

* * *

AUTHOR: the first song is by The Beatles, written by John Lennon and called I'm So Tired from their White album. The second was also written by John Lennon for his son, Sean.

I think the Beatles and the Marauders have some striking similarities, well, a few. they may all be in my head, actually, but i do not care for i love them and John Lennon most especially.


	7. I Wish I Could Fly Like Superman

DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.

I WISH I COULD FLY LIKE SUPERMAN:

Remus knew he was taking risks, cutting classes, but he just couldn't stand the idea of being around people. Pretending to be fine was slowly wearing him down, and he didn't know how much longer he could keep all this to himself. The thought of telling anyone, of anyone knowing what he'd done, made him feel physically sick. Yet, somewhere in the part of his mind that still remembered who he used to be, told him he was being illogical, and that if he'd just tell James and Sirius, they'd help him through all this.

And then the rest of his mind would remind him that it was all his own fault, that he'd brought this on himself, that he deserved everything. No, he would never tell a soul.

* * *

Remus needed no one. He was fine on his own, just fine. All by himself. No one to depend on, no one to lie to. No one to fear.

All alone.

Because alone for Remus meant he wouldn't have to continue betraying his friends, and burdening them with all his pathetic sorrow. No more pretending. No more smiling. No more laughter. No more pain. Just emptiness. Holy emptiness.

Because they could never know. They could never know his dirtiest little secret. Shame. Faggot. Whore.

If they knew.

Oh, if they knew.

They'll never know. Oh, but if they did. He couldn't lose their respect.

What respect, Faggot?

He'd meant something to them, hadn't he? He'd been a somebody? Oh, but he was only a hideous coward now. They didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve them.

He didn't deserve anything. He had nothing. He had no one. They'll find out, and then he'll be alone in all his filth.

He'd never been a somebody. He'd never meant anything. He was useless. He was tainted. No one gave a damn. If they cared they'd know by now. Obviously they don't care.

And why should they? He hardly cared himself, anymore.

Remus is a nobody.

* * *

Heavy hands, swollen chest. Throat so tight, lungs so raw. Head spinning, world collapsing. All thoughts taken over, all panic set loose.

Breathe, just breathe.

Why is that not easy?

Hold your breath. Ah, temporary ease. No. Wait. Stop that.

Hold your breath. No don't, please don't. Breathe, just breathe.

Find someone, tell someone.

Tell them what? Tell them how?

Writhing on the bed, crawling on the floor. Fingers clenching, eyes bleeding. Breathe, just breathe.

Oh, it was once so simple.

All alone. So damn quiet.

Wheeze, out, silence, wheeze, out, silence. Silence. Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Wheeze, out, finally. How am I still alive? When will it all end?

Breathe, just breathe.

Head so heavy, arms like lead.

Feet,

feet,

numb feet.

So painful. Chest so tight.

Breathe, just breathe.

Why does no one love me?

Breathe, just breathe.

Breathe Remus, just breathe.

* * *

"Breathe, Remus, come on mate, just breathe! In, out, in, out. Follow me, Moony. In and out. Moony, in. In, Remus, in! Remus, dammit, breathe!"


	8. The Lonely Hearts Club

DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.

THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB:

Sirius had made up his mind. He was to confront Remus in the nicest yet most inescapable way. They would know the truth; a secret girl could not be the answer to that desperate lulluby Remus had murmured so beautifully the night before.

Confrontation, however, was proving difficult as Sirius had seen not hide nor hair of the boy since he'd left him up on that stoop to take his shower. His shower of a whole eighteen hours ago. Added to this unfortunate dilemma, Sirius was unsure if James should accompany him or not. Undoubtedly, James had more tact – Sirius was a caveman when it came to emotion - yet Sirius strongly felt, oh so humbly, that he was the right person to talk to Remus. And he'd realised after their last attack, three was a crowd, an intimidating crowd.

"James, mate, you seen Moony?" Sirius entered the Great Hall late, with the majority of Hogwarts already tucked into their lunch.

"I was just asking 'Tail here if he knew where you were? Thought you'd get in immediately being that you just had a free."

"Been looking for our Disillusioned friend, haven't I? Missed him this morning, and unless I've developed selective blindness, he wasn't in Charms this morning," Sirius hovered by the table, reluctant to sit and eat when he had such an important task ahead of him.

"I'm going to get a crick in my neck if you don't sit down, Padfoot," James waited for Sirius to sit, hesitantly, before replying. "I didn't see him in class, either, but I could have sworn I caught a glimpse of him climbing in from the stoop after breakfast. He looked freezing, as if he'd been out there all night."

"That's daft, Prongs. As if sensible Moony would dare to stay out after curfew, let alone all night in freezing winds. Did you hear it howling last night?" Peter piped in, clearly having had his fill of bacon sandwiches and free now to enter the conversation.

"Choice words, 'Tail. Really nice." Peter shrugged. "You're probably right, though, as if Moony would chance it on a rooftop for a night. What reason would he have to do that, eh? Prongs, can I have word, when you're done, about that Divination essay we were given last week?"

Prongs raised an eyebrow covertly, and stood. Sirius followed suit. "I'm good. Common Room?"

Sirius nodded, and the two left Peter alone at the table, his hand immediately reaching for the plate of steaming sausages.

"We never get essays for Divination, Padfoot, what's up? You still worried about Moony?"

The two walked up the vast staircases, heading for their destination at a snail's pace.

"We do get set essays, Prongs, we just never hand them in."

"It's a wonder she hasn't called us up on it yet. Maybe she's still in shock after that palm reading session in third year, what with my devastatingly short lifeline and your destiny as an Azkaban regular. What utter balmy, when she couldn't even figure out the wolf in Moony's teacup, the old bat."

"She could hardly announce it to the class, you idiot. Didn't Moony say all the professors know anyway? Had to agree to living in the same castle as a dangerous beast, didn't they?"

"Something like that. I'm worried, too. This can't all be over a girl, even if she is a Slytherin," James' nose turned up at that last statement. "He's not been right since that night he snuck in. The 'break up'."

"I don't think he's been sleeping, either." Sirius didn't let on that he knew this because he'd not heard Remus awaken from a nightmare in weeks.

"You know, I'm beginning to think there never was a girl. Or, not a girlfriend. Yet, he definitely smelled like he'd had a good night. A fling?"

"That ends in tears? Can't have been that good, could she?" Sirius paused outside the Portrait of the Fat Lady. "He's had girls before, though, yeah? It wasn't his first time or anything?"

"Toad's Legs. Perhaps it wasn't all he thought it would be. Moony is a bit of a romantic, deep down beneath that calm outer shell. Our poor boy was just disappointed," James sounded uncertain, and there was a desperate pleading in his hazel eyes, as if he needed Sirius to reassure him. Problem was, Sirius felt the least sure he ever had.

"It's so much more than that, James, I can feel it. This is something big. Something out of our depth. We need to talk to him." James visibly deflated at Sirius' words.

"I just wish I had the words to make him smile. A real smile, not those imposters he tries to fool us with. I want the old Remus back. I want our Moony back," Sirius almost smiled at his friend's compassion. If there was one thing James Potter was not short of, it was passion, in any sense.

"I think, maybe, that he'd find it easier to talk if it were with just one of us, intitially at least." Sirius' suggestion was tentative. He eyed James, who'd subconsciously managed to sit on Remus' bed, then stumbled rather uncharacteristically over the next sentence, "Do you mind if I talk to him alone?"

James looked taken aback. Sirius braced himself. "What are you getting all nervous on me for, we need to be strong for Rem. Frankly, I don't care which one of does it, as long as we get the truth out of him. As long as he lets us in." Sirius threw himself on his unmade bed, and released his breath.

"I get the strangest feeling that we're supposed to be somewhere right now," Sirius declared with nonchalance.

"Transfiguration, it would appear. And we're already late for it. McGoogles is going to murder us slowly and most painfully," James mock sighed.

"Seeing as I'm never one to miss an opportunity to skip classes, and Remus has declared himself a missing person, I say we take the opportunity to undeclare him without the hassle of all those other students clogging up the hallways. Agreed? After all, McGoogles can't murder us if we aren't there to be murdered."

"Agreed."

* * *

"Breathe, Remus, come on mate, just breathe! In, out, in, out. Follow me, Moony. In and out. Moony, in. In, Remus, in! Remus, dammit, breathe!"

* * *

James and Sirius had found Remus by the Black Lake, in an area hidden by trees that only the Marauders seemed to be aware of. He'd been lying on his side, knees curled, face pressed into the grass, and twitching violently. He weakly fisted the grass, and his entire body had screamed frustration and fear. They'd both dropped to him immediately, concern overriding all normal thoughts. He hadn't noticed them initially, lost in his own terrifying battle.

The twitching, James realised belatedly, was Remus fighting his body to breathe. He was wheezing and coughing in bursts between lapses of complete stillness and silence, as if he kept losing the will to fight and then regaining it. Sirius had laid a gentle hand on Remus' heaving back, and he'd stilled again. A small grunt escaped him, and then Sirius met golden eyes so filled with terror he'd almost fallen back from the shock. And like that, Sirius had stopped thinking and just acted.

"Breathe, Remus, come on mate, just breathe! In, out, in, out. Follow me, Moony. In and out. Moony, in. In, Remus, in! Remus, dammit, breathe!" Remus just kept his eyes fixed on Sirius', trying to do as he was being asked. His hands and neck felt so weak, he was sinking further into the cool grass, sinking further into the pit of horror. His entire world had fallen apart, and he was only half battling with his body to keep living. What did it matter anyway?

Sirius grabbed Remus' waist and pulled him flush against his chest, the pounding of his own heart feeling all the more significant in light of it all.

"Breathe with me, Remus. Follow my chest, in, out. Please, Remus, please. Don't give up. Relax your body against me. Feel the weight leave your chest." Sirius had his voice as low and gentle as he could manage; Remus needed calm.

"Should I get a professor?" James was hesitant to involve more people than necessary in Remus' stress. If they could handle it themselves, then they would and should.

"I'm not sure. Help me get his tie off!" Remus had obviously attempted to loosen his tie in his struggle, as the knot hung by his fourth button down. James' nimble fingers made quick work of it, and then he attempted the highest button for seconds before chalking that up to useless and finally ripping the shirt open. Remus' hands flew to his chest, pressing over his aching heart.

Remus could hear Sirius whispering to him in a low voice. Although Remus was unable to understand the words, the tone was soothing and he tried to give his mind over to the comforting rumble.

His eyes had closed tight again, hands clenched over Sirius' thighs, new panic at having been found this way rising.

Breathe, just breathe.

James had removed his belt and unbuttoned Remus' school trousers at the waist. Remus knew it was only to help him relax, to remove any tight restrictions, and that thought supressed the painful memories of foreign hands in that region. Nevertheless, he'd whimpered softly and his body had flinched in response.

James had moved back, not wanting to crowd Remus, and could only watch as Sirius hummed a sweet tune, cheek pressed to Remus', and Remus' struggle continued.

Sirus' chest was rising and falling beneath him, rising and falling, air going in and out at a steady rhythm. In and out, in and out.

Breathe, just breathe.

And then Remus was breathing shallow but regular breaths. Up, down, in and out. He was still breathing out more air than he was taking in, but he was improving second by second. His eyes relaxed as he listened to the lulling tone in his ear, and his hands eased up as his mind concentrated on Sirius' calloused fingers stroking his ears ever so gently.

What felt like hours later found Remus breathing normally, still draped against Sirius' chest, the pattern of their breathing matched perfectly. For the first time in a month, Remus was able to switch off his mind completely, the sound of his father's favourite lullaby sending him to the deepest sleep he'd ever fell into.


	9. Black Bird

DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate on me.

* * *

BLACKBIRD:

Remus was on the grass, asleep. James was watching him carefully, however, he seemed to be calm now. Sirius was tugging at innocent strands of grass with gradually building anger, and confusion, and, dare he to ever admit it, fear. He was terrified. What had that been? And would the outcome have been the same had they not searched him out? Remus hadn't been breathing, not effectively, not normally. Would he have remembered how without them?

They were out of their depth, James and he. Of course they were when they hadn't the first clue what had brought on that – sweet Merlin, what had that been?

"Prongs, what the fuck was that?" Sirius asked, his hushed tone belying that he had every desperate expectation of James to answer all of his questions without fail.

"I'm not sure, Padfoot. Actually, I've no idea. None at all," James' soft voice shook with emotion. "I was scared, Sirius. Fuck, I was terrified.

"Are we enough to handle this, Padfoot? Can we get him through this?"

"We have to be."

They both looked over to where Remus lay, still as a statue, in the shade of their birch tree. He gave not a hint of the desperate struggle for air that he had been wrapped up in mere hours ago. James and Sirius had agreed not to move him, what with the difficulty of carrying a five foot eleven male through the castle without attracting the attention of many curious eyes, and the added and sincere likelihood of their throwing in their backs. It certainly wasn't as if either of them was prepared to use magic on their friend, not in his current state. It had also been silently agreed that none of this would come to the attention of any professor, not yet, at least.

"I don't think he's been sleeping properly; look at those bags under his eyes. He looks as if someone has socked him one, right on the pecker," James observed. Sirius nodded, remaining silent under the weight of his thoughts. "Where did it all come undone, Padfoot?"

"When Remus decided he no longer trusted us, is my guess," Sirius huffed with little true ire. He was far too concerned to be hurt by the silence Remus had been treating them all to.

Somewhere beyond the lake, nearer the castle, the carefree sounds of many a student could be heard. It was but a dim murmur to the ears of these two marauders, whom weren't far likely to have noticed in any case.

Why would Remus have reason not to trust them, after everything the three of them had done for him? Granted, Peter would never be the first on anyone's list for a confidant, but had Sirius and James not both proved their worth?

They had accepted Remus without question, had convinced Peter he could do the same, had found an illegal but bloody brilliant way to ease Remus through that once a month event. They loved him, dearly. From the anal retentive way he organised his sock drawer, to the perfect line of his Perfect Prefect spine, from his curious fancy for handing assignments in on time, to his feigned ignorance to any and all Marauder pranks, and from his penchant for raw steaks right down to the mischievous curve of his lips when he found and solved the flaw in their latest scheme.

What could be so terrible, next to the heavily laden list of things Remus had already lived through, that he would beat his knuckles red raw, that he would lose interest in food that his once hearty appetite couldn't normally fail to remind him about, that he would forget that he finally had friends he could trust with anything?

That question left them silent. So silent that it was a surprise when James eventually spoke, the timid murmur grounding Sirius immediately and bringing him hurling back to their present condition.

"Sirius –," James faltered after the hurdle that stood as his first word in more than a minute. Sirius looked from Remus' calm face to James' uncertain one, and nearly forgot his own breath with the turmoil he was witnessing in those hazel windows. His right eyebrow rose to kiss his hairline as he awaited whatever thought looked fit to burst from James – whether said boy wanted it to or not.

"Sirius, I've been thinking. These weeks have been odd. No, they've been uncomfortable, and quiet, and a little unnerving. Remus has never found himself in the least bit flustered over a girl before and, while he's a pretty fantastic secret keeper, surely one of us, at least, would have noticed some far off look in his eyes, some single instance where he forgot to hide his giddiness or lost his train of thought because a certain someone had distracted his eye, had stolen his attention. We would have seen it, somewhere, if Remus had found himself a girl, no matter who that girl was. He can't fool us forever, can he? That simply isn't the Moony I know and love, is it?"

"What is your point, James? Are you asking me whether I still think he was dumped by his nasty snake of a witch?"

"I guess. No. Well, I mean, what if there was girl, right. There was a girl and everything, except that Remus perhaps didn't fancy her all that terribly much and he didn't awfully feel like being with her – in that way. And that girl, that girl was deceptively and surprisingly strong for a girl, and Remus was weakened by the approaching full and not on his best form. And that girl thought herself something of a minx, and a someone who always gets what they want, and what she wanted happened to be our dear Moony." Here James paused, somewhat out of breath, somewhat frightened to continue. Even the twisting of his long, Quidditch calloused fingers stopped momentarily.

Sirius simply stared at him, mildly amused and mildly frightened himself as he couldn't fathom in the least where James was heading and that was a rare occurrence in itself, let alone that James was acting unnaturally nervous for someone so usually and happily pigheaded. With no assistance offered, and keenly aware of how oblivious Sirius currently was to his train of thought thus far, James continued in a panicked whisper. "I'm just wondering, maybe that girl perhaps, and Remus was having none of it, and the girl was really quite incredibly strong for a girl and gave him little if no choice in the matter whatsoever and, oh fuck, Sirius, but he really did smell like sex when he came back that night!"

"Prongs, m'boy, you know I adore you, yes?" James, panting heavily, nodded meekly without meeting Sirius' eyes. "But, mate, I haven't the foggiest spell what you are getting at here. Perhaps you could try saying it, you know, upfront and all. Quit beating around the gooseberry bush and spit it out, my good man. Honestly, I'm certain I've never heard you so unsure of yourself once before in my life. It's incredibly unsettling, even amongst this whole mess."

James, panting only slightly less heavily, sighed even as the tips of his ears turned red.

"I think I'm only going to make this all the more unsettling for you, mate. I don't even know if it's possible. I've never heard of something like this. I mean: you hear it about young witches, in the Prophet, once every so often. And, I guess there was that muggle, the man from Cumbria. I mean, a bloody muggle who made it into the Prophet, because, bless their souls, they were hopeless at catching the nasty bugger themselves, of course. He was evil, must have been wrong in the head. What he did was so cruel. But a man? How would it work, I wonder? Or perhaps I don't care to wonder how that could work. Some things are best left unknown –"

"Oh, for Merlin's soggy sock, spit it out, James!" Sirius half shouted, catching himself in time to not disturb Remus. James jumped all the same, and had the good grace to look sheepish for a brief moment before the darkness and confusion settled in once more behind his glasses.

"Please don't bite my head off, Paddy, please? All I'm suggesting is that maybe this abnormally athletic girl," a look from Sirius had James speedily cutting this latest spiel short.

"Perhaps Remus was forced to have sex with her against his will."

Sirius simply looked at him, numb and slowly being engulfed in a blanket of emptiness.

"On account of his being poorly before the full," James blundered on, heady in his anxiety, "and this girl possessing muscles that ought not to belong on the female body, and maybe she slipped him a potion which made him submissive? There is always the Confundus charm to consider, of course –" James would have continued had Sirius not kindly taken pity on him and removed his ability to make sound using the wand now held tight within his grasp, shaking just slightly.

James, for his part, continued for a few seconds before noticing the peculiar silence. Slowly it dawned on him, as he eyed the death grip Sirius' wand was wrapped within, and he appropriately closed his mouth.

They looked at each other, neither moving more than what was required to breathe adequately, each wishing the other could find some absolute contradiction to this unthinkable impossibility. The issue both were finding, however, was that no matter how insensible and incoherent James' vocal thoughts had been, and even despite how unimaginable the idea was, there were, indeed, ways, wicked and undesirable as they were, for sexual events to transpire in that fashion.

While both knew of the dangers that presented to girls who walked alone at nighttime, as parents and teachers rightfully reminded their young charges, neither had ever even considered such an evil thing actually happening, in real circumstances and not some batty old witches' tale, before now. Certainly, that it may have happened to someone they knew, without then adding that this person happened to be not a distant acquaintance but their best friend, was simply incomprehensible.

It left them quite speechless.

It left them quite unaware that the other body beneath their tree was awakening.

It left them quite unprepared for the sudden chase said body was now taking to.

It left them quite unresponsive for several seconds before they could acknowledge the fading figure dancing desperately along the water's edge, further and further from the shade of their birch tree.

"Ah."

"Fuck."


End file.
